Music Videos, Summarized

While watching early morning MTV (who knew, they actually still have music videos sometimes!) and skipping through most of it, I found myself wishing that some of them were way shorter.

WITH THIS BLOG POST, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE MUSIC VIDEOS, WITHOUT WASTING PRECIOUS MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE!

Don’t Trust Me – 3oh!3

Two guys take a break from a party, PE class, and modeling for human age to warn you that trusting everyone can be bad.

Misery Business – Paramore

A girl bullies everyone in school, including a kid with a broken arm. The cleavage is a lie.

Paranoid – Jonas Brothers

The Jonas Brothers have nightmares about pro wrestling and girls driving after them in the desert.

The Air That I Breathe – All That Remains

Phil Labonte shows off his powers of sunglasses teleportation while the remaining bandmembers attempt to meet this coolness.

Video Games – Black Out Band

THEY JUST WANNA PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

 

Emperchaun Reviews: Eighth Grade Bites

Before I start this review, I need to mention something. The cover for this book is cool, and I would wear that hoodie. Also, this review may contain some spoilers. I’m not going to spoil the whole ending, but some possibly savory details might be mentioned.

Now, on to my review of Eighth Grade Bites, which is the first book in the Chronicles of Vladimir Tod. We start the book off with a fairly bad pun and unfortunately there are many more in the book. (Vampires suck, anyone?) Vladimir Tod is a 13 year old orphaned half-vampire. He lives with his caretaker, who was his human mother’s best friend. The caretaker happens to be a nurse, and steals bags of blood from the hospital to satiate Vlad’s vampiric hungers. The first thing that disappointed me was the fact that Vlad has told his best friend about how he’s a vampire. This could have been implemented in a better way, if it was absolutely necessary. I’m not going to spoil anything, but even though the friend is sort of needed towards the end, the whole “LOL VLAD IS A VAMPIRE, BUT THAT’S OK” thing felt a little awkward in the story. Lines like “It couldn’t be easy for Henry to keep Vlad’s secret, especially from his family, but he did it anyway.” are examples of this. Would someone just announce to their family, “My friend is a vampire!!!!!!!”?

This book also suffers from problems with pacing and length. Not every book needs to be Atlas Shrugged, but some books would be so much better if they just had an appropriate amount of pages. The opposite can occur with books that drag on forever. I’m looking at you, Brisingr. At times, Eighth Grade Bites goes on about small details, such as how Vlad eats every meal. Most of the time, however, it has issues with rushing. I understand that maybe this book was designed for a demographic that doesn’t want a book several inches thick, but I personally think the book needed to explain some things more. The amount of story between Vlad getting a creepy substitute teacher and previously mentioned substitute coming to Vlad’s house for a convenient dinner is about 78 pages. That’s barely enough time for Vlad to have several crying sessions about being orphaned (which don’t really succeed in making you empathize) and find his father’s journal. The journal throws some backstory into the mix, and tells you about the secret VAMPIRE LAND, which is called Elysia. Apparently, vampires aren’t supposed to have romantic relationships with humans, but after falling in love with a human, Vlad’s dad decided conforming was bad. (awesome rhyme, am I right?)

Characterization isn’t that strong, and the story usually falls flat on its face when it attempts realistic dialogue. A romance subplot has also been thrown into this book, like a pet being shoved in the car for a trip to the vet. It seems like the only reason Vlad has a “crush” on someone is so that he can seem more human, or more like an eighth-grader in the author’s eyes. Vlad not only has issues with a cliche-dipped romance (misfit boy likes the attractive popular girl?), he is also bullied. One wonderfully generic bully that frequently calls Vlad a goth gets his mind read (one of Vlad’s few “powers”), and oh, what’s this? He is a student of ballet! Also put into this book: A mysterious prophecy, a substitute teacher named Otis Otis (which breaks the immersion like a person punching you in the face while screaming “THIS BOOK IS FICTION”), vampire tattoos, puns involving things like “you look pale”, and a deus ex machina.

I’m probably going to end up reading other books in this series, partly to see if the plot strengthens and partly to see if Vlad gets any COOL VAMPIRE POWERS. The final verdict on this book: While I think that this series has potential, it could have been executed in a better style. Little things that were probably supposed to be plot twists were fairly predictable. Vampire mythology was done pretty well, and the author gets bonus points for not making Vlad sparkle. Fans of vampires might want to pick this book up, and it’s a fairly quick read at 182 pages.

 

THE DAWN OF PERAGON

[19:39] Dromiceiomimus: ONCE UPON A TIME

[19:39] Spider Dan: THERE WAS A YOUNG NIGHT ELF

[19:40] Dromiceiomimus: WHO WAS STUCK IN A RABBIT HOLE

[19:40] Spider Dan: WHILE HE WAS STUCK, HE SCREAMED A SWEAR WORD

[19:41] Dromiceiomimus: THE SWEAR WORD RHYMED WITH KIT, EXCEPT IT STARTED WITH SH

[19:41] Spider Dan: SUDDENLY, A PILLAR MADE OF STONE SHOT OUT OF THE RABBIT HOLE, LAUNCHING OUR HERO INTO THE AIR

[19:42] Dromiceiomimus: OUR HERO THEN FELL TO THE GROUND NEXT TO THE GIANT STONE ERECTION

[19:42] Spider Dan: AS HE RUBBED HIS HEAD, HE THOUGHT “HEY THAT WAS KIND OF COOL”

[19:43] Dromiceiomimus: HE THEN PROCEEDED TO TRY AND CLIMB UP THE STONE IN THE SHAPE OF A PILLAR

[19:43] Spider Dan: HIS CERULEAN HAIR STUCK IN A CREVASSE, LEAVING HIM HANGING ON THE GIANT STONE

[19:44] Dromiceiomimus: CLEARLY, HIS ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO BE AS NIMBLE AS LEGOLAS HAD FAILED

[19:44] Spider Dan: SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, A GIANT DRAGON SAID “RAWR I AM HERE TO EAT YOU LOL” AND SNATCHED OUR HERO FROM THE CREVASSE, RIPPING OUT A CLUMP OF HIS SPIKY LOCKS

[19:46] Dromiceiomimus: AS OUR HERO SCREAMED “OMFGGG YOU @$$HOLE YOU RUINED MY $987239446 HAIRCUT THAT I GOT STYLED BY PARIS HILTON,” THE DRAGON PROCEEDED TO FLY INTO THE LAND OF SHADOW AND BADNESS

[19:46] Spider Dan: THUNDER BOOMED OVER OUR HERO’S HEAD AS THE DRAGON ASKED “SON, WHAT IS YOUR NAME”

[19:48] Dromiceiomimus: OUR HERO REPLIED “PERAGON.  U KNOW, LIKE DRAGON EXCEPT WITH A P AND AN E CAUSE IM COOL LIKE THAT”

[19:49] Spider Dan: THE DRAGON SLOWLY TURNED HIS HEAD TOWARDS THE YOUNG NIGHT ELF, EYES SHINING WITH A GOLDEN GLOW. “PERAGON. SO IT IS TRUE.”

[19:49] Dromiceiomimus: PERAGON REPLIED “YES.  IT IS TRUE.  YOU ARE PAYING $938753442 FOR MY RUINED HAIRCUT NOOB”

[19:50] Spider Dan: THE DRAGON DROPPED INTO A STEEP DIVE, HIS WINGS FOLDED TIGHTLY TO HIS BODY. PERAGON HUNG ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE WIND THREATENED TO SEND HIM FLYING OFF.

[19:51] Dromiceiomimus: SUDDENLY, PERAGON LET OUT AN EARTH SHATTERING SCREAM BECAUSE THE DRAGON DECIDED TO SPIN AROUND, SOMETHING HE HAD NOT EXPECTED, AND HE THREW UP ON THE DRAGONS BACK

[19:53] Spider Dan: THE DRAGON IMMEDIATELY SCREAMED “EWWWWW” AND TRIED TO SHAKE THE MOTION-SICK ELF OFF OF HIS BACK. AS PERAGON FLEW THROUGH THE STORMY SKY, THE DRAGON ROARED A CRYPTIC MESSAGE. “I AM GROM. I AM. YOUR. FATHER.”

[19:54] Dromiceiomimus: PERAGON LET OUT ANOTHER EAR SHATTERING SCREAM AS REALITY HIT HIM.  “NOOOO YOU CANNOT BEEEEE I THOUGHT MY FATHER WAS BRAD PITT”

[19:55] Spider Dan: PERAGON CRASHED INTO A TREE BRANCH AND FELL DOWN TO THE GROUND, LANDING IN A SMALL CLEARING.

[19:55] Dromiceiomimus: ALL OF THE SUDDEN, HE HAD A STRANGE NOTION TO SAY A WORD.  BECAUSE HE LACKED COMMON SENSE AND DIDNT THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE SAID IT, HE SAID IT.  “TRISINGR!!!”

[19:57] Spider Dan: A ROCK PILLAR, JUST LIKE THE ONE THAT GOT HIM OUT OF THE RABBIT HOLE, ROSE OUT OF THE GROUND. PERAGON STARED AT IT, BUT WAS SHAKEN OUT OF HIS REVERIE BY A SOOTHING FEMININE VOICE.

[19:58] Dromiceiomimus: OUT OF THE ROCK PILLAR CAME A STRANGE, PALE PERSON.  WHEN THE STRANGE PERSON STEPPED INTO THE SUNLIGHT, THEY SPARKLED SO BRIGHTLY THAT PERAGON WAS BLINDED FOR SEVERAL MINUTES BY THE INTENSE SHIMMERING

[19:59] Spider Dan: PERAGON WAS STRUCK BY THE WOMAN’S INTENSE BEAUTY. SHE MOTIONED FOR PERAGON, AND POINTED TO THE SMALL CAVE IN THE ROCK PILLAR. “COME WITH ME” SHE SAID, HER VOICE LIKE HONEY IN A BOWL OF CHEERIOS. “EW, GROSS, I’M NOT EVEN AN ADULT” REPLIED PERAGON.

[20:02] Dromiceiomimus: THE WOMAN GAVE HIM A HARSH GLARE AND SPARKLED EVEN MORE INTENSELY.  PERAGON STUMBLED AROUND BLINDELY AND FLAILED HIS ARMS WILDLY.  HIS HAND MANAGED TO GRASP SOMETHING AND HE PULLED AT IT HARD.  AS HE OPENED HIS EYES, HE SAW HE HAD TORN OFF THE WOMAN’S HAIR.  “OOOOMG” THOUGHT PERAGON

[20:05] Spider Dan: “PERAGON. I AM ELLA. DID YOU DISCOVER A RABBIT HOLE EARLIER IN THE FORTNIGHT?” PERAGON LOOKED DOWN AT THE HAIR IN HIS HAND. “I HAD CANCER AT ONE POINT, PERAGON. CANCER OF THE LIVER. WHEN I GOT IT REPAIRED BY AN ELVEN HEALER, I DISCOVERED THAT I HAD A STRANGE TASTE FOR…BLOOD.” PERAGON GASPED. “SO YOU’RE A VAMPIRE? THAT EXPLAINS THE SPARKLING *AND* THE CRAZY GOOD LOOKS!”

[20:07] Dromiceiomimus: ELLA NODDED.  “YES I AM.  NOW, YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY HAIR bACK OR I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD”  PERAGON SHOOK HIS HEAD.  “NU UHHHHH NO WAYY”  BECAUSE ELLA WAS SO USED TO GETTING HER WAY, SHE WAS SHOCKED AT HIS REFUSAL AND BEGAN TO CRY AND WHINE AND STOMP AROUND.  “YOU’RE A MEANNIIEEEE POOOOPP I WANT MY HAIIIIIIR!!!” PERAGON REALIZED SHE HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT DRINKING HIS BLOOD AND RAN FOR IT

[20:08] Spider Dan: PERAGON TURNED AROUND AS HE SPRINTED AWAY. HE NOTICED THAT HER EYES WERE CAPTIVATING, LIKE DEEP RED RUBIES WITH AN ONYX IN THE MIDDLE. HE WAS SO DISTRACTED THAT HE TRIPPED OVER THE GROUND.

[20:10] Dromiceiomimus: “PERAGONNNNNNNNNNNN” ELLAS VOICE WAS AS LOUD AS PARIS HILTON’S WHEN SHE REALIZED HER $100 OFF COUPON WAS EXPIRED.  “YOUUU SHALLL NOTTTT PASSSSSSSSSSSSS” PERAGON LET OUT ANOTHER GIRLY SCREAM

[20:13] Spider Dan: PERAGON STOPPED SCREAMING AS SOON AS HE SAW HER *CURVACEOUS* BODY MOVING GRACEFULLY TOWARDS HIM. SHE PULLED HER WIG FROM PERAGON’S HANDS, BUT MORE GENTLY THAN SHE HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED. “PERAGON, I THINK YOU’RE HOT” SHE SAID NEXT. “ACTUALLY, I PREFER PER.” HE REPLIED. “IT MAKES ME SOUND MORE NORDIC. WHITE POWER!” “YOU ARE BLUE.” SAID ELLA, SLOWLY RAISING HER LEFT EYEBROW. “OH DEAR.” PERAGON SAID AS REALIZATION HIT HIM LIKE A SPEEDING TAUREN.

[20:16] Dromiceiomimus: ELLA THEN BURST OUT INTO SONG AS SHE SANG “IM BLUEE DABOODEEDABOODAIII” WHILE PERAGON LOOKED AT HER WITH WIDE EYES.  “WAIT DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M HOT?  REALLY?  THIS ISN’T SOME PLOT TO SUCK MY BLOOD?”  ELLA STOPPED SINGING AND REPLIED, “YES!  I AM INCLINED TO THINK THAT EVERY GUY I MEET WHO PAYS THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION TO ME IS HOT AND THUS WILL DEFINITELY GO OUT WITH ME.  SOOOO LETS GO OUT!!!”

[20:39] Spider Dan: TEARS IN HIS EYES, PERAGON TURNED AWAY. A DATE WITH ELLA SOUNDED COOL (IT MUST HAVE BEEN A 44D CORSET SHE WORE), BUT SHE WAS A VAMPIRE. EVEN WORSE, HE WAS BLUE! AS PERAGON PONDERED OVER THESE THINGS, HIS THOUGHTS DRIFTED ONCE AGAIN TO ELLA. HE THOUGHT OF HER BODY, MUSCLED LIGHTLY BUT NOT BUFFER THAN HIS OWN BODY. HE SLOWLY TURNED, AND LOOKED INTO HER EYES. THEY WERE BOTTOMLESS POOLS OF CRIMSON, FLECKED WITH GREY. “WHEN YOU ONLY LIVE FOR HOWEVER LONG PATHETIC NIGHT ELVES LIVE, WHAT DO YOU LIVE FOR?” SHE SAID.

[20:41] Dromiceiomimus: “LOL IMMORTAL NOOB” SAID PERAGON BEFORE HE REALIZED THAT HE HIMSELF WAS IMMORTAL DUE TO THE UNDYING CLICHE OF ELVES.  HE THEN BEGAN TO CRY

[20:44] Spider Dan: ELLA PLACED HER HAND ON PERAGON’S SHOULDER. HE FELT STRANGE, LIKE HE’D BEEN SHOCKED WITH ELECTRICITY AT HER TOUCH. “MY YOUNG PER, YOU ARE FAR FROM IMMORTAL. ONLY VAMPIRES, WEREWOLVES, LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS (OH MY!) ARE IMMORTAL.” PERAGON STARED INTO HER EYES, WHICH WERE LIKE POOLS OF BLOOD GLITTERING IN THE SUNLIGHT. “COME WITH ME, INTO MY CAVE. THERE’S A SWEET UNDERGROUND VAMP HIDEOUT IN THERE.” PERAGON SLOWLY NODDED, AND LET HER GUIDE HIM INTO THE CAVE.

[20:48] Dromiceiomimus: AS HE FOLLOWED HER INTO THE CAVE, PERAGON REALIZED THAT HE WAS HOLDING HANDS WITH ELLA.  “LOOOOL I MAY NOT BE A VIRGIN FOR MUCH LONGER” PERAGON THOUGHT.  HE SUDDENLY BECAME AWARE THAT HER HAND WAS AS COLD AS A HARSH WINTRY WIND.  STARTLED, HE ASKED, “ELLA WHY IS YOUR SKIN SO FRIGID??” SHE REPLIED, “BECAUSE I AM THE WICKED WINTER WITCH OF THE WEST! ….ALONG WITH BEING A VAMPIRE”

[20:51] Spider Dan: PERAGON GASPED. HER LOVELY ALIZARIN EYES HAD CHANGED TO A GLACIAL BLUE. HER HAND TIGHTENED ON HIS. “I REALIZE WE HAVEN’T BEEN TOGETHER LONG, BUT IT WAS ALMOST LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I AM THE WICKED WINTER WITCH OF THE WEST, BUT I ONLY MAKE IT COLD IN PLACES THAT DESERVE IT. LIKE ALASKA. MAKING SARAH PALIN COLD IS FUN.”

[20:53] Dromiceiomimus: PERAGON GASPED AGAIN AS THIS FACT HIT HOME.  “YOU’RE …YOU’RE….YOU’RE A DEMOCRAT?!?!?!?!”  HE FOUND HIMSELF SMACKING HER HAND AWAY.  “THIS ONE MINUTE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!! I CAN’T GO OUT WITH A DEMOCRAT!!!  MCCAIN FOR THE WINNN” (note: i am not a republican)

[20:55] Spider Dan: ELLA LOOKED INTO PERAGON’S GLOWING GOLDEN EYES. “PER, WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN!” “NO!” HE SHOUTED, INTO THE FRIGID WIND THAT HAD WHIPPED UP. “THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!” “BUT, I’M AN INDEPENDENT! I JUST THINK SARAH PALIN IS CRAZY! I VOTED FOR NADER!” ELLA CALLED BACK, TEARS SPILLING DOWN HER FACE AND FREEZING UPON TOUCHING HER SKIN.

[20:57] Dromiceiomimus: “I DONT CARE!” PERAGON CRIED BACK.  “IF YOU HAD SAID RON PAUL MAYBE THIS RELATIONSHIP WOULD HAVE STOOD A CHANCE, BUT NO!  THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! THIS IS MADNESS!”  “NO DEAR PER!” ELLA EXCLAIMED.  “THIS IS SPARTA!”

[21:01] Spider Dan: “WAIT, WHAT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AZEROTH.” PERAGON SAID. “WELL, YOU’RE PARTIALLY RIGHT. THIS ELF/VAMPIRE CITY IS CALLED SPARTA, BECAUSE WE’RE ALL LEONIDASIANS.” PERAGON LOOKED UP AT ELLA. THEY WERE NO LONGER IN THE SUNLIGHT, SO HER SKIN LOST THE BRILLIANT LUSTER AND SPARKLE. HOWEVER, HER SHEER BEAUTY OVERWHELMED HIM. PERAGON KNEW THAT SHE WASN’T A REPUBLICAN, BUT HE LOVED HER SO! MAYBE IT WOULDN’T BE SO TERRIFYING AFTER ALL.

[21:05] Dromiceiomimus: AND HE ALSO WANTED TO SEE THE FAMOUS LEONIDAS DUMPLINGS THAT HE HAD HEARD ABOUT WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG ELFLING!  PERHAPS IF HE STAYED WITH ELLA HE WOULD BE ABLE TO SAMPLE ONE OF THE DELICACIES THAT ONLY EXISTED IN TALES BACK AT HIS HOME IN DE VARDENGARDEN.  HE LOOKED UP AT ELLA AND CAUTIOUSLY GAVE HER A SMALL SMILE

[21:08] Spider Dan: ELLA SMILED BACK AT HIM. HER TEETH LOOKED FAIRLY NORMAL, NOTHING LIKE THE CRAZY VAMPIRE FANGS DESCRIBED IN HIS CHILDHOOD STORIES. PERAGON BEGAN TO THINK BACK TO DE VARDENGARDEN. ELLA WAVED HER HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE TO SNAP HIM OUT OF THE FLASHBACK. PERAGON TURNED TO SAY SOMETHING TO THE BEAUTIFUL ELF, BUT WAS INTERRUPTED BY AN EARTH SHAKING ROAR.

[21:10] Dromiceiomimus: “WHAT IN THE NONEXISTANT-GODS-NAME-BECAUSE-I-AM-AN-ATHIEST’S NAME IS THAT SOUND?!?!?!” CRIED ELLA.  PERAGON COULD ONLY SHAKE HIS HEAD, BECAUSE A SUDDENLY HEART-WRENCHING FEAR HAD ONCE AGAIN OVERCOME HIM.  HE KNEW WHO IT WAS.  IT WAS GROM.

[21:13] Spider Dan: RIDING ON GROM’S BACK WAS A YOUNG MAN, WITH LONG BLACK HAIR THAT FRAMED HIS GAUNT FACE. “THAMES…” MUTTERED ELLA AS SHE LOOKED AT THE MAN. HE APPEARED TO BE A HUMAN NOT MUCH OLDER THAN PERAGON. “LIKE THE RIVER?” PERAGON ASKED, HIS EYES STILL ON THE MAGNIFICENT SILVER DRAGON AND HIS RIDER. “NO, NOT LIKE THE RIVER!” THE MAN SCREAMED.

[21:20] Dromiceiomimus: “ELLA, WHO IS THIS?!” ASKED PERAGON.  SHE CLOSED HER EYES BEFORE REPLYING.  “HE, DEAR PER, IS THAMES, EVILEST OF EVIL THINGS IN THE EVILLANDS, CALLED FRODOR.”  “THAT IS RIGHT YOU LITTLE WEAKLING,” SAID THAMES.  “YOUR BLUE COLOUR CANNOT MATCH UP TO THE SLEEK SILVER OF MY GREAT DRAGON GROM!” PER GASPED.  “YOU SAID COLOUR WITH A U!  YOU’RE….BRITIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!!” BECAUSE, HE KNEW, IT WAS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE TO KNOW HOW SOMEONE SPELLED A WORD BY HEARING IT

[21:25] Spider Dan: ELLA LOOKED AT PERAGON IN WONDER. “PER, HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS BRITISH? HE USES AN AMERICAN ACCENT BECAUSE HE THINKS IT’S COOL!” PERAGON SAID, “YOU COULDN’T TELL IF HE USED COLOR OR COLOUR?” “PER,” SAID ELLA, HER DELICATE FEATURES SHOWING NOTHING BUT PURE SHOCK. “YOU HAVE THE POWER…OF THE SPELLSWORD!” THAMES LEAPED OFF GROM’S BACK, LANDING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ELLA. “THE SPELLSWORD? THIS CANNOT BE!”

—

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE SECOND CHAPTER OF: THE DAWN OF PERAGONNNNNN <insert Lux Aeterna here>

To give a little backstory on this one: Bl00 and I were looking for World of Warcraft forums to troll. We found one that had a fanfic section, so I suggested making our own fanfic to post as a trolly thread. It eventually mutated into this monster, but it was so fun to write that we gave up on the trolling in the first place. Moral of the story: When you see annoying trolls on your forum, tell them to write some fanfic with someone cool that shares their same weird sense of humor. Because writing fanfic about WoW with your mother might not work.

 

HELLO WORLD

Welcome to EMPERCHAUN, where anything and everything is of discussion value.  Even random crap like the post I’m writing right now, because I can’t think of anything to write about currently.  Emperchaun started between the random musings of RUNE BEAST ZERO and Bluebrisingr who decided it would be awesome to make a random wordpress with random stuff.  The name Emperchaun is a combination of Emperor and Leprechaun.  Why?  Well ….nahh I’ll see if you can figure it out (though I HIGHLY doubt you will).

WITH THAT BEING SAID, welcome to the wonderful world …of EMPERCHAUN. also: bl00n wrote this post but I wanted to be on the authors widget. kthxbai